Friday, August 11, 2006

Spiders

Sitting on the couch looking at a fireplace 6 feet wide. Cast iron gratings with a polished steel poker and thongs and shovel. Smooth stone blocks make up the floor. A Persian rug is soft under my feet. Blue and red. Green and yellow. Black. Those are the colors of the foot tall spiders playing in the cold fireplace. I turn to look away, over my shoulder. I look at anything other than that clicking game those creepy pets are playing. Behind me is a different kind of room. The carpet is cheap and ugly. The kitchen is linoleum and Formica. I turn back and do not see a fireplace; it is now ugly cheap carpet and white painted walls. The spiders are no longer pets. They are coming. I grab a book. Its paperback pages feel soft as I swing it at a three foot wide dark blue spider. The spider backs off for a second as the green one takes its place. A hard crunch and a squeal as I swing true at the body of this much to large insect. Feet underneath me I jump on the black one and then kick the fleeing spider against the wall, where it leaves a stain. As I look up, triumphant at my victory over things that make my skin crawl I am not surprised to find myself in a forest. The wind whistles in my ears as I run past trees and jump over ravines. I am nearing a clearing. As I slow I close my eyes to enjoy the smell of a forest after the rain something smells different and I snap my eyes open. I am in a wooden walled room with leather chairs swiveling around to look at me. They surround a long hardwood table. I am sitting at the head, opposite the door. The door opens. Nobody says a word, but I know I am fired. I get up to leave.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

One upon a time...

The sky was murky grey. The wind felt like a warm blanket as he looked out over the river. “Why am I here?” he asked himself. Just like the hundreds of other times he had been here, sitting on the grass looking out at nothing in particular, he searched for peace. Inside him feelings welled. His eyes stared to the horizon, but his mind swam deep in old memories. “Which of these can help me know what I am?” he thought to himself. “What am I meant to understand of myself anyway?” The questions rolled out of his consciousness.

Silence. He wasn't aware of the passage of time, or how long he had sat there without speaking. The sun had long since gone down and the lights of barges on the river moved like tiny reflections of the stars on the water. “I wish I knew,” he said finally to nothing. The question was already lost, but the answer was still important enough to vocalize, even if only to himself. The wish, the will to understand himself was still there. The determination to work out the how, the where and anything else that would be needed was where he always came up short.

A slow smirk crossed his lips. “Why does it matter?” The answer was a laugh. A small simple chuckle. Because it does. It couldn't be said any better than that. It does. Stretching his legs and running his fingers through his hair he roused his body from the position he had been in for uncounted hours. Blinking at the horizon he was surprised how different things looked from only a few feet higher. Perspective was a joke to him. A funny joke. His perspective was what he was trying to understand and it didn't seem to matter how many he tried to see things from he still didn't know what he was looking for. His only comfort was the belief he held that everyone else was searching for the same thing.

The dark streets echoed with his footsteps as he made his way to his bed. Sleep would be little comfort. Dreams always seemed to confuse the organization he had tried to give his thoughts. They seemed to have meaning and have some importance to understanding things, but what that was supposed to be he could not make out. Not for lack of trying. It seemed that the dreams were always an indication that something significant was just around the corner, but he never seemed able to round that corner while awake. Asleep he would wake when he realized there was something around the corner. Attempting to understand his dreams was always a temptation, but so far had never yielded anything but confusion.

The problem wasn’t that he was crazy. The issue wasn’t things that he could or wanted to change. The confusion was more like a haze surrounding his thoughts. There was something important that he couldn’t accept. Something was hiding from him in his own head. He wanted to know what it was, but didn’t know how. After all the time he had spent until this point he had come to the conclusion that it was himself. There was something about him, about what he was that he instinctively knew and yet didn’t know. “It must be something that will manifest itself to me when the time is right.”

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Why the World Doesn't Need Superman

Do you ever feel like Superman? Like there is something inside you that can fly, can't be hurt and is from somewhere else because it just doesn't fit in our world? I do. I don't feel invulnerable about anything in reality, but inside me there is something that despite stupid mistakes or fear keeps on keepin' on.

Icons. Ideals. Ignorance. Superman is a proponent of all three. He knows a lot more than he says. Instead of showing us things he spends his time listening for danger and then flying to the rescue. Instead of helping us build a better world he is constantly trying to keep us from killing ourselves and others. The Superman inside of me is a lot the same. He hides in there listening, but until crisis happens he is content to pretend that he's Clark Kent. My main problem is that I don't want to jump off a building. I don't get shot at. Catastrophe doesn't happen daily in my life. I want to be Superman. I want to feel like I can fly. I want to be invulnerable. Or do I?

Do I want to pay the price for it? Superman only shows up in the dire straits, but do I want to live my life in constant danger? It's true that human beings feel most powerful when they are stimulated. That's why people go to rave concerts or skydive or anything else that gets the adrenaline pumping. I love how it feels when the endorphins are freed into my bloodstream. I can't stay up there for long though. If I'm an endorphin junkie I will likely develop a lifestyle of extreeme highs and extreeme lows because the human body just can't handle being stimulated 100% of the time. It runs out of chemicals.

But that's the ideal. Ideally everyone is stimulated all the time. It's what most of our icons represent. Marilyn Monroe, Taylor Hicks and Tom Cruise are all icons to us of stimulation. Granted, Tom Cruise isn't really a good example of the kind of stimulation people can relate to, but still he seems to keep himself pretty stimulated and is a great example of how unnatural it seems. While I'm glad that there is a part of me that is unbreakable, why do I have to support a world that idealizes unhealthy behavior? Because I want to be stimulated too! I feel great when I am, and when I'm not I feel like there is something missing.

Something is missing. It's not the cape. I've tried that. It didn't work for me. It's not the icons and the ideals. I know that I want stimulation, society has given me ample examples of why. What is it?

It's the man behind the symbol. I don't mean the S either. I mean the divinity. Each of us are divine. Whether we are stimulated, happy or not we are still a part of this universe. Just like a spec of dust cannot be snuffed out of existance neither can we. We are powerful beings. We are super men and women. We can't really fly. Bullets do hurt us. But there is something inside each of us that is really super. The real icon is a real Savior. We don't need a replacement for Him. He is what is missing. Everyone may recognise Him in different ways, or honor Him in various ways, but the fact underlying all of it is that He is real and we need to recognise Him more often. We need to remember to separate the icons from the ideals and keep in mind that there is someone who cares and will fly to our rescue in reality.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Busy busy busy

Sitting in front of a glowing box
Typing words that make no sense
Might as well have a head of rocks
Need to see life through a different lens

Stressing, thinking, spinning wheels
Wonder why I'm digging in my heels
Do I really need to change my life
Meant to walk the edge of a knife

What do I want from all that I see
What should I do to get it
I never will if I just sit here
That much at least should be clear

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

When Life Hands you...

lemons?
apples?
grenades?

It's been a while since I felt like life handed me anything. Not that I'm saying I get everything myself. More like I feel like my life has been boring. Not boring like nothing is happening. More like boring because I havn't been doing anything. If you didn't guess by my previous post I was very addicted (or I guess I should say am addicted) to an MMORPG called World of Warcraft. Frankly I wasn't doing anything else. Now that I'm free (because I'm not playing Warcraft) I realize just how much I really wasn't doing.

I've been clean now for a few weeks and my life still hasn't gotten back on track completely. I'm doing more at work, like going to work, and I'm seeing someone. That's really good. I like that. I still want more, and I'm not even sure what that more is that I want. I guess it's excitement. I feel pretty blah. Maybe that means that I'm still hooked on the adrenaline of the game, maybe I'm just bored with normal life.

Is the definition of "normal life" boring? In real life things are never as exciting as in movies or in video games. But can't it be more satisfying sometimes? Movies and video games are only paritally satisfying, where in life can I find the rest of my satisfaction? I just can't get no satisfaction.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Internet Developments May Harm Individuals

Something has been happening in the internet world over the last few years. As the internet has grown and matured it has begun to dominate information and dissemination thereof, but information isn't the end of it. Little ones and zeros can do much more than tell you what temperature it is right now in Berlin or Bonn. Interaction with other people anywhere within the internet's reach is possible. It's not a replacement for face to face human contact, but it is a very powerful thing to go from telephone conversations to a public forum available 24 hours a day 7 days a week to absolutely anyone (with a computer and a phone line). The impact on the culture of the world is immense. The speed at which fashion develops, the style of advertisements and especially the marketing opportunities available have all grown exponentially. The growth incubated by the power of the internet is unparalleled.

Is there no drawback? Is there a bad side to all this wonderfulness? Child Pornography, Identity Theft, Scams of all types, Stalking, Software Piracy (and illegitamate distributions of all types) and Tax Evasion (and I'm sure much more) were all facilitated as well when the internet was released.

However, the internet has been around long enough for social equilibrium to have reasserted itself, mostly. It is constantly fluctuating, but for the most part the ebb and flow of data has not had any majorly disruptive effects on modern culture in the last few years. (I may be very wrong about that, but until I'm corrected I'll keep thinking it.)

The issue today is how to exist in this information saturated world? With everything at your fingertips you have to learn how to use your fingers to know how to reach everything. Search engines are constantly trying to improve their ability to anticipate what you want, and simultaneously tell you what you want in the form of subtle advertising. Video games are creating worlds more and more realistic, both graphically and socially. The internet has indeed opened the doors to video games modeling social behavior within their design.

Navigating a world populated with computer controlled identities is the pre-internet soup of the day. Existing in a world populated by human controlled characters is the current craze. People may say that the internet is for porn, or for e-business or for public trade forums, but I disagree. I think the future of the internet, the area in which we will see the most money flow is the internet social video games. By this I don't mean the real-time strategy (RTS) games, or the first-person shooter (FPS) games. I mean the games in which you NEED to talk to people, make friends and develop relationships. This could be an RTS or an FPS, but most commonly they are massive multi-player online role-playing (MMORPG) games. The attraction these games carry is that you can beat up on computer controlled enemies along side another person in a virtual world. There is, in reality, nothing to lose in this virtual world aside from the real world money you spend to play. It's a no-risk social environment. Before the internet bars were almost the only place that existed that was anything like this. People want to meet people. People are scary. From grade school on we learn to fear people and the emotional abuse we suffer from them. In a world where your real identity is secure (relatively) and personal attacks are policed by game moderators (relatively) everyone can feel like they have their own private table at the back of the bar where they control who comes and goes, who they talk to and what they talk about (relatively).

Again, are there any drawbacks? The obvious one is abuse of this new system of social interaction; liars and fakes. It would be easy to pretend in a world so completely fabricated, and it is even encouraged in the medium itself, being called Role Playing implies a certian level of fantasy or make-believe. If that were all that could be wrong with this new technology bars would be in real trouble.

In my opinion the biggest drawback is that human beings are not meant to function in a risk-free world. It's not real, but it's something everyone wants. Risk is dangerous, but without it there is no reality. There are many things we do to deal with the dangers of life, or our fear of that danger. We run and hide or we stand and confront. The former is temporary. The latter is risk and when it works it's very satisfying. In the world of MMORPGs this process is recreated. With the help of real people you can face obstacles, even other players and choose to hide or to confront. In the games you will probably also have problems that seem a lot like real life problems, like who can use some vitrual item or other who will get a reward for actions performed in the virtual world. The resolution of these issues is in every way but one exactly like real life. The one way in which they are different is that the issue deals with virtual material, not real material.

Before the advent of the internet computer gamers were regarded as social deviants. They were, in fact, recessed from mainstream society into their personal virtual worlds where their lack of social understanding didn't matter. Social video games are potentially the best thing that ever happened to these computer game hermits, except for one logical fallacy. That logical fallacy is the assumption that since the game is by nature social it follows that the social needs everyone has can be satisfied by playing the game. That's just not true. We need real risk and real people. Real people being physical people, with actual faces and voices. Touch is key to normal hormone balance. If you don't believe me go a long time without touching anyone and measure your hormone levels. (Of course there are exceptions, but in most cases...) But most importantly, the rewards are recursive in these games. The process of social interaction in reality (not virtual) is highly goal oriented. We want things and we try to get them from or with others when we can't get them by ourselves. Wether the goal is understanding and compassion or a cookie doesn't matter, when we recieve it we have it and there an end. In the virtual world the rewards are virtual. When you recieve it, the moment you turn your interface off the reward ceases to exist. Rewards are important to us because we invest them with the sum of all the effort we put into getting them. This investiture is almost always emotionally significant, and the possibility of permanently losing the subject is emotionally repulsive.

Playing these games and meeting goals does build real relationships with those who help, but the whole process is tainted by the illusion of risk and with an unhealthy emotional bond to things that only exist when the game is played. The fact that it almost satisfys many of the needs we all have through it's risk-free risk and illusionary rewards makes them dangerously addictive. It's like a carrot dangling in front of a horse. It will never satisfy the horse's needs completely, but it looks like it will so the horse keeps walking toward it, never having its needs met but constantly trying.

Unlike child pornography or identity theft this problem is not illegal and is not universally applicable. Everyone is not equally prone to developing an addiction to MMORPGs, but there are many who are. There are therapists who treat only video game addicts and make a career of it. It is being increasingly recognised as a social disease. What this means is that it is up to the individual, and to some extent the individual's friends to police it.

Please, if you find yourself wanting to play online video games more than you want to interact with people in real life, or you find yourself drawn to get that next item instead of going to work or taking care of your child, PLEASE for your own good stop playing them. The internet is a powerful resource, but it is a resource not reality.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Mein Hut, er hat Drei Ecken


Have you ever had one of those days where you just know things are going to be great, except you don't know how? I dreamt last night that I was meeting someone I knew but forgot about in a place called Montauk. Yes, this is from a movie. I dream about movies a lot, and they usually center around me - IE; I'm the main character. Anyhow - I didn't want to go to work, so I called in sick and I got on a train to Montauk. I kept seeing this face that I recognised, but didn't know who it was. I saw her on the train, I saw her at the station I saw her on the beach. Then I saw her at this house that was empty... Yeah, it was just like the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (one of my all time favorite movies). Then I woke up. I couldn't remember her face. I didn't want to go to work. I went to work anyway.

Life has a funny way of encouraging you to continue, even if you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. At work I was reminded of three things I was supposed to have had done already, but none of which were more important than what I had been doing instead. That didn't change the fact that I had forgotten about them over the weekend. No skin off my nose, but still it kinda feels like I'm sinking and not swimming fast enough. Not a good feeling, but hey - I have a migrane today, so it's alright, right? Of course right.

Sitting all day
Wanting to play
Having to say;
have it your way

I want to scream
You're in my dream
so it would seem
letting off steam
fluffy like cream