Wednesday, May 31, 2006

When Life Hands you...

lemons?
apples?
grenades?

It's been a while since I felt like life handed me anything. Not that I'm saying I get everything myself. More like I feel like my life has been boring. Not boring like nothing is happening. More like boring because I havn't been doing anything. If you didn't guess by my previous post I was very addicted (or I guess I should say am addicted) to an MMORPG called World of Warcraft. Frankly I wasn't doing anything else. Now that I'm free (because I'm not playing Warcraft) I realize just how much I really wasn't doing.

I've been clean now for a few weeks and my life still hasn't gotten back on track completely. I'm doing more at work, like going to work, and I'm seeing someone. That's really good. I like that. I still want more, and I'm not even sure what that more is that I want. I guess it's excitement. I feel pretty blah. Maybe that means that I'm still hooked on the adrenaline of the game, maybe I'm just bored with normal life.

Is the definition of "normal life" boring? In real life things are never as exciting as in movies or in video games. But can't it be more satisfying sometimes? Movies and video games are only paritally satisfying, where in life can I find the rest of my satisfaction? I just can't get no satisfaction.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Internet Developments May Harm Individuals

Something has been happening in the internet world over the last few years. As the internet has grown and matured it has begun to dominate information and dissemination thereof, but information isn't the end of it. Little ones and zeros can do much more than tell you what temperature it is right now in Berlin or Bonn. Interaction with other people anywhere within the internet's reach is possible. It's not a replacement for face to face human contact, but it is a very powerful thing to go from telephone conversations to a public forum available 24 hours a day 7 days a week to absolutely anyone (with a computer and a phone line). The impact on the culture of the world is immense. The speed at which fashion develops, the style of advertisements and especially the marketing opportunities available have all grown exponentially. The growth incubated by the power of the internet is unparalleled.

Is there no drawback? Is there a bad side to all this wonderfulness? Child Pornography, Identity Theft, Scams of all types, Stalking, Software Piracy (and illegitamate distributions of all types) and Tax Evasion (and I'm sure much more) were all facilitated as well when the internet was released.

However, the internet has been around long enough for social equilibrium to have reasserted itself, mostly. It is constantly fluctuating, but for the most part the ebb and flow of data has not had any majorly disruptive effects on modern culture in the last few years. (I may be very wrong about that, but until I'm corrected I'll keep thinking it.)

The issue today is how to exist in this information saturated world? With everything at your fingertips you have to learn how to use your fingers to know how to reach everything. Search engines are constantly trying to improve their ability to anticipate what you want, and simultaneously tell you what you want in the form of subtle advertising. Video games are creating worlds more and more realistic, both graphically and socially. The internet has indeed opened the doors to video games modeling social behavior within their design.

Navigating a world populated with computer controlled identities is the pre-internet soup of the day. Existing in a world populated by human controlled characters is the current craze. People may say that the internet is for porn, or for e-business or for public trade forums, but I disagree. I think the future of the internet, the area in which we will see the most money flow is the internet social video games. By this I don't mean the real-time strategy (RTS) games, or the first-person shooter (FPS) games. I mean the games in which you NEED to talk to people, make friends and develop relationships. This could be an RTS or an FPS, but most commonly they are massive multi-player online role-playing (MMORPG) games. The attraction these games carry is that you can beat up on computer controlled enemies along side another person in a virtual world. There is, in reality, nothing to lose in this virtual world aside from the real world money you spend to play. It's a no-risk social environment. Before the internet bars were almost the only place that existed that was anything like this. People want to meet people. People are scary. From grade school on we learn to fear people and the emotional abuse we suffer from them. In a world where your real identity is secure (relatively) and personal attacks are policed by game moderators (relatively) everyone can feel like they have their own private table at the back of the bar where they control who comes and goes, who they talk to and what they talk about (relatively).

Again, are there any drawbacks? The obvious one is abuse of this new system of social interaction; liars and fakes. It would be easy to pretend in a world so completely fabricated, and it is even encouraged in the medium itself, being called Role Playing implies a certian level of fantasy or make-believe. If that were all that could be wrong with this new technology bars would be in real trouble.

In my opinion the biggest drawback is that human beings are not meant to function in a risk-free world. It's not real, but it's something everyone wants. Risk is dangerous, but without it there is no reality. There are many things we do to deal with the dangers of life, or our fear of that danger. We run and hide or we stand and confront. The former is temporary. The latter is risk and when it works it's very satisfying. In the world of MMORPGs this process is recreated. With the help of real people you can face obstacles, even other players and choose to hide or to confront. In the games you will probably also have problems that seem a lot like real life problems, like who can use some vitrual item or other who will get a reward for actions performed in the virtual world. The resolution of these issues is in every way but one exactly like real life. The one way in which they are different is that the issue deals with virtual material, not real material.

Before the advent of the internet computer gamers were regarded as social deviants. They were, in fact, recessed from mainstream society into their personal virtual worlds where their lack of social understanding didn't matter. Social video games are potentially the best thing that ever happened to these computer game hermits, except for one logical fallacy. That logical fallacy is the assumption that since the game is by nature social it follows that the social needs everyone has can be satisfied by playing the game. That's just not true. We need real risk and real people. Real people being physical people, with actual faces and voices. Touch is key to normal hormone balance. If you don't believe me go a long time without touching anyone and measure your hormone levels. (Of course there are exceptions, but in most cases...) But most importantly, the rewards are recursive in these games. The process of social interaction in reality (not virtual) is highly goal oriented. We want things and we try to get them from or with others when we can't get them by ourselves. Wether the goal is understanding and compassion or a cookie doesn't matter, when we recieve it we have it and there an end. In the virtual world the rewards are virtual. When you recieve it, the moment you turn your interface off the reward ceases to exist. Rewards are important to us because we invest them with the sum of all the effort we put into getting them. This investiture is almost always emotionally significant, and the possibility of permanently losing the subject is emotionally repulsive.

Playing these games and meeting goals does build real relationships with those who help, but the whole process is tainted by the illusion of risk and with an unhealthy emotional bond to things that only exist when the game is played. The fact that it almost satisfys many of the needs we all have through it's risk-free risk and illusionary rewards makes them dangerously addictive. It's like a carrot dangling in front of a horse. It will never satisfy the horse's needs completely, but it looks like it will so the horse keeps walking toward it, never having its needs met but constantly trying.

Unlike child pornography or identity theft this problem is not illegal and is not universally applicable. Everyone is not equally prone to developing an addiction to MMORPGs, but there are many who are. There are therapists who treat only video game addicts and make a career of it. It is being increasingly recognised as a social disease. What this means is that it is up to the individual, and to some extent the individual's friends to police it.

Please, if you find yourself wanting to play online video games more than you want to interact with people in real life, or you find yourself drawn to get that next item instead of going to work or taking care of your child, PLEASE for your own good stop playing them. The internet is a powerful resource, but it is a resource not reality.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Mein Hut, er hat Drei Ecken


Have you ever had one of those days where you just know things are going to be great, except you don't know how? I dreamt last night that I was meeting someone I knew but forgot about in a place called Montauk. Yes, this is from a movie. I dream about movies a lot, and they usually center around me - IE; I'm the main character. Anyhow - I didn't want to go to work, so I called in sick and I got on a train to Montauk. I kept seeing this face that I recognised, but didn't know who it was. I saw her on the train, I saw her at the station I saw her on the beach. Then I saw her at this house that was empty... Yeah, it was just like the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (one of my all time favorite movies). Then I woke up. I couldn't remember her face. I didn't want to go to work. I went to work anyway.

Life has a funny way of encouraging you to continue, even if you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. At work I was reminded of three things I was supposed to have had done already, but none of which were more important than what I had been doing instead. That didn't change the fact that I had forgotten about them over the weekend. No skin off my nose, but still it kinda feels like I'm sinking and not swimming fast enough. Not a good feeling, but hey - I have a migrane today, so it's alright, right? Of course right.

Sitting all day
Wanting to play
Having to say;
have it your way

I want to scream
You're in my dream
so it would seem
letting off steam
fluffy like cream

Monday, May 22, 2006

Do you ever feel like your life is a little...


The sun was already up when he awoke. The faint rattling of the blinds overhead he blinked in the sunlight streaming in through the window above his bed. With a sigh he turned over and tried to go back to sleep.

Do you ever wonder where life is taking you?

Stepping carefully out of bed to avoid the stacks of papers, piles of clothes and random junk he has allowed to clutter his floor beyond reason he mutters to himself; "I really should clean this crap."

Monday.

Plopping down on the couch releasing thousands of particulates into the air as he pulls on socks and feeds a belt through the loops around his waist the roommate wanders into the room.

"Hey. What are your plans for today?"

Plan. Schedule. Forsight. What am I doing? Where am I going?

"I don't know. Maybe a game. Maybe a date." (I feel kind of disinterested with doing anything, let alone telling you about it.)

"Oh."

Sometimes I wish I actually said what I think, but I can't talk that fast most of the time. When I can I usually do, and it takes people off guard a little, until they get used to me.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

And you give yourself away

Lying on my back staring at the ceiling
Thoughts float thick in the air
darkness filled with sound
a heavy arm reaches for someone that's not there
Heart pounding into the night

Bright sky
laughing talking pretending
Fun in the sun
Safety in spite of yourself
She's cute - ask her out

Who knows? Not you.
It's nice to be liked, but is it real?
Do I trust that I'm not just lonely
Do I think she won't reject me
What does it matter - I need to try

Just because I'm alive doesn't mean I'm broken
Feeling something doesn't mean it needs to be pain
Being without doesn't mean you aren't worthy
The key to being present is to be there for their needs, not your desires

Kissing isn't THAT important
It's pretty important...
but if your goal is to drive your car all the time you will eventually run out or gas or get into an accident.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Rejection

Why is it so true that the moment you start to take a relationship even moderately serious the other person involved is thinking thoughts diametrically opposed to you? Is it some cosmic law of the universe? There’s the ever popular theory – you know, the one you are probably thinking right now; she could tell and that’s why it coincides so well. That’s a load. Usually I realize how ‘cool’ things are getting a day or so after the last time I ever see her. The other school of thought, the one that a few people who know me agree with is that somehow I chase them away subconsciously. I guess that’s because subconsciously I don’t want any action, affection or attention? (Yes, action and affection are not the same thing. Affection may be the reason for action, but I still want both... and the sink.)

I strongly dislike the notion that girls run away from me because of something subconscious. I don’t want to think that part of me is that roommate that sits on the couch with YOUR date and talks to her until the end of the night and the whole time you want to be alone and make out with her. Sure, I’m a little afraid of getting hurt. Everyone is. I am also a little timid about admitting to myself when I like a girl. I think it’s supposed to work that way, and it does for nearly everyone. Why do I have to be so freaking different? I know that I am different, but I’m not different. I’m more like everyone else than I am different. Differences don’t inspire understanding and I have gotten to know myself through my experiences with other people and the similarities we share. So why is the most common rejection line I get, “We’re just too different?” Does everyone really think they are the penultimate individual? Look, world! There is more than one other individual in the world! Everyone is an individual, and in the immortal words of Syndrome™ that’s just another way of saying that nobody’s special… er… individual. If you go on dates looking for that one special person who will align the planets on your first or second date you will be disappointed, probably for your whole life. If you go on dates just trying to have fun and get to know someone then maybe you’ll find out that there is someone that makes you feel like a million bucks hiding inside that person who may be, oh no! different from you.

Yeah, I’m bitter right now. Is it wrong for me to want to date for fun and enjoyment hoping for a real human connection?

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Desire

Time... money... entertainment.

As sad as it is, I think those three things are very separate things. I want more of each, but they come at the expense of the other two usually. Bleh.

Anyhow - the three converge in one place. This place is where time seems to be filled with life, where making money is motivated and easy and entertainment comes naturally through everything you do. This place is new love. It's kind of a vacation spot. You can't really live there, but you can visit. It's hard to find and even harder to get into after you find it. People say you can't fall in love when you want to, you have to find it on accident. Personally I think that's a load. If you can't fall in love if you want to then nobody would, because everyone wants love. There is a certain amount of validity to the theory as it applies to desperation. You prolly aren't going to find reciprocated love if you are coming off to everyone as a desperate, needy, clingy leach... I'm getting off topic.

Love is a many splendid thing. Love does lift us up where we belong. However, we’re not boxes of cereal and ‘where we belong’ is not a physical location so much as it is a state of mind. I wonder… can I find that location inside of myself and be in love with myself without becoming arrogant and narcissistic?

There’s this person/people that I’ve gone on dates with lately. Things are fine with them. That means that we are now acquaintances and they act at least cordially toward me. I know which I would most like to love, and which I would most like to love me. The thing is this; when? When do I begin with the more romantic crap? Dating is fun because it doesn’t have to be serious. I’m not talking marriage at all, I’m just talking about like, giving her flowers or nice things like that. I know there’s nearly no way to know for sure whether or not a move like that would be welcome or not, and that’s the fun part. The part that isn’t fun is the wondering if it’s premature or not.

I’m probably just worrying too much about it. Is anyone else out there unsure about when to make a bold move past friendship?

Welcome

Welcome to my first blog at blogspot.